Guilt can be shared
by ChaosisMyMiddleName13
Summary: Abrams and Gall are dead, and so is the Wraith. McKay and John manage to get into the jumper for the flight back to Atlantis. John is hurt, but not only in the physical way. Tag to 1x12


Tag to 1x12 "The defiant one"

_Sheppard's team investigates a downed Wraith ship, and find themselves stuck on a planet with a lone Wraith survivor._

**Abrams and Gall are dead, and so is the Wraith. McKay and John manage to get into the jumper for the flight back to Atlantis. John is hurt, but not only in the physical way.**

* * *

The ride back in the jumper was quiet for once. McKay was at the controls, and despite he was still nervous about him flying, he barely talked. John only corrected if necessary, but didn't comment on the weird maneuvers he made. He just fiddled with the bandage that was now soaked in blood.

'You shouldn't touch that,' McKay suddenly said. He glanced sideways at John. 'You said you were okay but it sure bleeds a lot for just "okay".'

'That's what gunshots do McKay,' John replied irritated. McKay mumbled something but looked back in front of him, at the other jumper, hoping to follow it in a straight line for once.

John tried to tighten the bandage, but in his effort, it only shifted downwards, scraping against the wound painfully, and he hissed.

'I told you you shouldn't-'

'Why don't you just focus on your flying skills and let me worry about this,' John cut him off. He got up to get the first aid kit underneath the pilot seat, wincing as the movement hurt his ribs. Judging by the pain he had cracked at least 4 ribs, if not more. His head pounded too.

But it wasn't the physical pain that had kept John quiet for most of the journey back. He kept playing over and over in his head what could've happened if they hadn't split up with Abrams and Gall. Or not even have landed on the planet in the first place, and, as Weir had suggested, waited for back-up. They would still be alive. His team would still be alive and well. Instead, he had failed as a leader, left his team not once but twice, and nearly got himself and McKay killed as well.

'Dammit,' he cursed as he dropped the fresh bandage he was trying to put on. McKay didn't say anything but did look at him, both concerned and doing his best to swallow back snarky words.

After another failed attempt, John admitted defeat. He just held the bandage pressed against the wound and let his head fall back against the seat. He could feel McKay still looking at him.

'What?' he barked.

'Are you sure you're okay? You don't look so well, and you've been quiet about my terrible flying skills for the past, well, since we boarded. Not that I'm not grateful for that, don't get me wrong, but it's not like you.'

'Beckett will fix me up as soon as we get there. As for your flying skills, they won't improve no matter what I say. And I'm not getting motion sickness like…'

John fell quiet. He stared into space, pressing the bandage tighter, as if the physical pain could override the guilt he was feeling.

McKay saw through it however.

'You couldn't know there was still one alive. Splitting up made sense. It wasn't your fault.'

But John shook his head.

'I made the decision to go and have a look. They voted against it. I shouldn't have brought them into dangerous territory if they clearly didn't want to. I failed to protect them,' he quietly replied. His chest felt tight and it wasn't because of his injured ribs.

'Everyone that gets into a jumper to travel for fifteen hours to some kind of inexplicable signal knows it can get risky. Besides, if anyone failed, it would be me. I should've detected the Wraith. And yes, I know, they don't show when hibernating, but I should have known that as well and kept an eye on my scanner at all times,' McKay said. His low voice showed his was feeling the exact same thing as John. John looked at him, only now realizing how his other teammate must be feeling.

'Brendan took his own life,' McKay continued, to which John frowned, shocked by the new information. 'With the gun I gave him. I think he wasn't going to make it anyway, but he decided himself when to end it. And in some way, he saved us both by doing that. Otherwise you would've gotten knocked on your ass for more than two times.'

John grimaced.

'I suppose you're right,' he said.

McKay nodded. 'Of course I am. When have I not been?'

John rolled his eyes and bit back the hundreds of replies that came to mind.

'Losing someone is not easy, but this time, they didn't die in vain. We must remember that,' McKay said. He glanced at John, who nodded, and started fiddling with his bandage again. 'Now let me help you with that before you bleed out. I don't think I can land this thing in one piece.' As he said so, he let go of the controls and the jumper veered left hard.

'McKay!'

John quickly took over the controls and they changed seats. McKay held up his hands apologetically.

'Right, sorry, forgot.'

John shook his head as he leveled the jumper and steered them in a straight line behind the other jumper again. 'Remind me not to let you fly while I'm on board. Or, in fact, not at all.'

McKay huffed an offended reply, but John barely listened. He felt a little better after what McKay had said, and for once he was grateful he had spoken. He wasn't going to tell McKay that though, because then he was never going to shut up. But as McKay rambled on while taking care of John's arm, he wondered if that was even a possibility.

* * *

_I won't just write shorts based on episodes, but dear John gets hurt quite often and so why not take advantage of that, right? (Also, I'm re-watching the series, but you can sort of guess where in the series I am at this moment. But I'm not new to it at least.)_


End file.
